HALLOWEEN: but not the Rob Zombie version; Special Xmas Edition
by: Bryan Bloodsoaker

Halloween: 1978 - Rated R, 91 min; Directed by John Carpenter, Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, P.J. Soles, Nancy Loomis, Santa Claus..(no wait, that's the Christmas classic, Miracle on 34th St.)


 

HAPPY HELLidays. To avoid confusion, this is not a review of Silent Night, Deadly Night. That doesn’t mean you can’t still scream out Christmas carols before you get axed to death tonight. Whether you love partial nude scenes leading into brutal killings, or love partial nude scenes leading into even more brutal killings, Halloween is a flick you should cherish now and for many, many years to come! It’s a perfect flick to watch as a double feature with It’s A Wonderful Life! It will brighten up anyone’s HELLiday cheer like a radioactive xmas tree!!! Tis the season…


The simplistic music soundtrack littered throughout Halloween fits so snug, almost like O.J.’s glove, that this alone is enough to make you want to spend the rest of your life sleeping with the lights on. During the opening credits, as the camera zooms closer and closer to the fired up jack-o-lantern, the brain stabbing Halloween theme song rips through your ear canal like a q-tip laced in cactus needles.

The basic outlook on this story involves a preteen boy, Michael Myers, who murders his almost totally naked sister on Halloween, (great boob scene btw), although a little hard to see looking through the clown mask camera footage. After things settle down a bit, a shrink/cop/counselor type figure, (Dr. Sam Loomis), gets assigned to Michael as kinda a state guardian; Loomis’ main objective being to make sure Myers is locked up for eternity. Well, he couldn’t even do that right. What a fuckin’ loser. I mean, how hard can it really be to keep a catatonic child who loves to kill people locked up?

Fifteen years after being stashed away in a psycho ward, Mikey comes home, and only to kill whatever gets in front of his killing machine path. He comes back to his home town Haddonfield, IL, to send a few high school teenie-boppers to an early grave. Annie and Lynda thought they were gonna spend a steamy Halloween night making crazy love to their boyfriends, however, Michael Myers had a somewhat different agenda on his deranged mind. Laurie was the smart one, tied to a night of Halloween babysitting. She was conveniently in position to come through as the “lucky one” who got away dead free in the end.

Meanwhile, Dr. Loomis appeared to be on top of the situation of trying to track Myers down and put a stop to him. But, the sluggish Loomis always seemed to be about 100 football field-lengths away from tracking him. PLUS, nobody believed a word he said until it was too late. Isn’t that how it always is?!

On a lighter, sexier note, breathing their last breath, the gals and guys in the other two nudie scenes, lead into “non-xmas murders.” Remember, this flick DOES NOT take place on Christmas, dammit.

Annie foolishly spills melted butter on her shirt while making Halloween night popcorn. She strips herself down to her underwear and heads immediately to the laundry room. You can only get a glimpse of her naked back, for the most part. Once Annie is in the laundry room, she somehow locks herself in, where she then tries to crawl through a window. This leads into a nice bent-over pantie shot. Unfortunately, this is only seconds away from her demise, as she gets strangled and throat slashed in the car. Annie was only minutes away from driving over to pickup her hunky boyfriend...poor girl.

Lynda on the other hand, had a somewhat more enhanced flesh-flash scene. She went the full love making route with her boyfriend Bob, (I think this is where the “treat” finally becomes apparent, but the trick has yet to come.) After the 3 second love scene, Lynda makes Bob get a beer from the kitchen. Upon Bob’s beer arrival, he gets strangled and tacked to the wall with a rather sharp knife (compliments of Myers). Myers, trailing back to the room Lynda was in and posing as "Bob" in a ghost costume, gets flashed by Lynda's boobies (as she thinks it’s Bob in ghost garb). Lynda was not successful in “getting Michael’s ghost,” seeing that he strangled her almost instantly via a telephone cord.

The “trick” finally comes in the very last scene when Loomis opens fire on a very exhausted Myers, only to find that he cannot be zapped from existence, setting up about thirty more years worth of sequels.

The total Myers death count in this flick was 7--- (1) sister stabbed; (1) auto garage attendant found dead on the side of an abandoned road; (2) dogs- one strangled and one consumed as a feast; and (3) high school teens- one strangled, and two strangled then slashed.